A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Lady walks into a grocery store and goes to the cashier with an apple, some celery,
and an orange.

The cashier looks at the items and says
"You must be single, huh?"

And the lady replies
"Why yes, how did you ever know?"

The cashier says
"Because you're ugly."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
The Warden was silent for a moment, then without another word drove off.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching tv, and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some stupid
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer. 8O

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely
worked for me and we could all use more calm in our
lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a
recent Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner
peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is
to simply finish all the things you have started in
life. So I looked around my house to see things I
started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of White
Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a
package of Oreos, the remainder of my Valium
prescription, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of
inner peace.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Bubba knows everyone


Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I
know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can
prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom
Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still
sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
''President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over,
saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way
to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
we'll have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still
not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he
expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him
to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss
replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a
long time."

So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never
work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let
me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges
with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

"The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"

[Mzungu]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

:clap:

I love reading these! My daily laugh... 8)

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I feel vindicated...


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Bumper sticker spotted on a Silverado pick up truck on
loop 610 in Houston, Texas, on Oct 30, 2007:


"I WISH HILLARY  HAD MARRIED OJ"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

rim shot for Loopy119.............


State Mental Health Center Automated Phone Menu


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Health Center. Please
select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to
the MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

 

The World's Shortest Books:
>
>
>
>          THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
>          By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan..
>          Illustrated  by Michael Moore
>          ________________________________________
>
>
>          MY  CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
>          HOW I HELPED AFTER  KATRINA
>            By  Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
>          _______________________________________
>
>
>
>          THINGS I  LOVE ABOUT BILL
>          By Hillary Clinton
>          ________________________________
>
>          Sequel:
>          THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
>          By Bill  Clinton
>          ___________________________________
>          MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
>          By  Osama Bin Laden
>          ___________________________________
>          THINGS I  CANNOT AFFORD
>          By Bill Gates
>
>          ____________________________________
>          THINGS I  WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
>          By Dennis Rodman
>
>          _________________________________
>
>          THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
>          By Al Gore & John  Kerry
>          _______________________________________
>
>          AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
>
>          ___________________________________
>
>          A COLLECTION of
>          MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
>          By  Dr. J Kevorkian
>          __________________________________
>
>          ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
>          By Ellen de Generes & Rosie  O'Donnel
>          ____________________________________
>          GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
>          By Mike Tyson
>          __________________________________
>          THE AMISH  PHONE DIRECTORY
>          _______________________________________
>          MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
>          By  O.J. Simpson
>            _________________________________________
>          HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
>          By  Ted Kennedy
>            ___________________________________
>          MY BOOK OF MORALS
>          By  Bill Clinton
>          With introduction  by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
>          ************************************************ *******

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

The Family of Potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!?

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[MateFrio]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

There were three moles digging through the ground and they suddenly come upon a house.
Papa Mole, being the leader of the family, decides to check out the house. He digs a hole
through the kitchen floor and notices a pleasant odor. He says, "That smells good. I think
I smell bacon."

Mama Mole hears him and comes through the hole and says, "Hmmm? I don't know what you smell,
but all I smell is pancakes."

Baby Mole, a curious little tyke,  can't get past his mom and dad and says with disappointment,
"Hey, all I smell is molasses."