A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I confess that I feel bad about finding this joke funny...


The Advertising Standards Authority has requested an Australian suncream manufacturer, whose products were endorsed by Steve Irwin, to pull their adverts; stating that their claim "protects from all harmful rays" was misleading.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

This beautiful lady boarded a plane, and sat next to a gentleman sitting near the front.
She sat down, smiled, and said,"Hi. I'm Jackie."
Well, after the plane took off, they began chatting.
She told him she was going to Vegas for some fun. Life back in her home city was not what she had hoped for.
"I want a complete lover, someone with the knowledge of a professional, the passion of a savage, and the appetites of a Louisiana Cajun!"
Suddenly, she looked embarassed, and said, "I never asked you your name!"
Smiling, he replied," Dr.Tonto Robichoeux."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Down South during World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman.

"I would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers to my house for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.

"Just make sure they aren't Jews," said the woman.

"Will do," replied the sergeant.

So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.

"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "There must have been some terrible mistake!"

"Nope," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Greenberg never makes mistakes!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines
to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering..

EVER WONDER:

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click
on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and
dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

[J-WS6]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

lol, where do you come up with this stuff man

[geoff_tropheus]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an
application.  Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to
prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the grey
hair on his chest and they except that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to
her  what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and
see if you can get disability!"

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Heheheheheeee....

Rebekah

Incorrect Email Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.

Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:

"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an
application.  Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to
prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the grey
hair on his chest and they except that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to
her  what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and
see if you can get disability!"

I don't think we should be posting sex jokes in this thread, since there are kids on the site. I have so many good ones I am not posting for that reason.

Just a thought...



Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications.
He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further
consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users
have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system
initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications
such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run
on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps
worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired
plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is
unavoidable.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without
loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the
the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated
with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0
Even here, however, I have found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend
will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me
that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess
that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work
very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little
messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try
to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress
1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To
avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
__________________

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

once again 8O

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

once again 8O

I have no idea what that means.

Anyway...


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to
the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Which Party Are You?

----------------------------------

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand. What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few
days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?

Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A Wise little boy
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."