A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

i heard that joke before :eh:

All jokes have been heard before.

rr...copy and paste...I have about a hunnert er so "clean" jokes, and I'll probably end up posting all of them eventually.    
Keep in mind, PC isn't the same as "clean"; I may go over the line as far as decency goes, but who doesn't love a sexist joke? :o

Fer example...


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over, as he hadn't been there in a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or

make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

OK, here goes one!

Rebekah

Wanna-be Mechanic

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants
to get.

The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and
pop it back on your head?"

The mechanic nods, confused.

"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"

"Oh yes," says the mechanic.

"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it,
whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"

"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be
mechanic.

"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing
that already!" says the boss.

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Here's another funny one!! Sorry, I can't resist!!

Rebekah

"THREE WOMEN IN A SAUNA"

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING  SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.  "THAT WAS MY PAGER,"  SHE SAID. i
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.  THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR.  WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.  NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.  SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.........I'M
GETTING A FAX!!!!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I think the level of humor in this thread just hit a new low!  

Why stop now?


Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one.

Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is show is completely sold out and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."

Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.

But a few minutes later, she turns around again.

"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, and explains, "They're all at the funeral."

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

This one is actually pretty good!!

Rebekah

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair
every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,
I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is
fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll
make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say
a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word,
it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot
did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was
heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over
again, but still not a word. When they landed, the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost
said something when Esther fell out, but you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

[NDsuperduty]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Mzungu]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

 Those were great! Keep 'em coming!

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.

======================= (It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Joggers

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next
city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a
knocking on his window.

He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again
and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off
when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir? It's 8:45."

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Here's one I think all of us ladies can relate to!!!

Rebekah

More Words

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that
said women use more words than men.

It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all
along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her
the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

HAHAHAAAAA!! OK, one last one...

Rebekah

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin                                  
Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.                                                                      
                                                           
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.              
                                                                         
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total",
says the Genie.                                                    
                                                                         
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I    
want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."                    
                                                                         
POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye,                          
the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.                
                                                                         
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan ,  
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or        
Canadians can come in our our precious land."                      
                                                                         
POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge  
wall around those countries.                                        
                                                                         
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this  
wall."                                                              
                                                                         
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet    
thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get        
in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."                            
                                                                         
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with
water."

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Go Texans!! (the people in the state not the football team)

loopy, were do you find this?

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I get a daily e-mail of jokes...and also I got some from forwards!

Rebekah

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'
The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"

He say, "Moishe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."