A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

A man is hired as a salesman at a new Megastore, where they sell everything imaginable under one roof.
The sales manager says to the new hiree, "After you put in a full day tomorrow, I'll come by and see how you are doing."
The end of the next day, the sales manager comes by to check up on the new salesman.
"How was your first day?"
The new salesman replied, "I sold one customer."
The sales manager replies, a little upset, "One customer? Most of our regular sales people sell at least 30 customers every day!"
"Yes," replied the newbee," but it was a sale of $132,600."
The sales manager was really taken aback. "Would you please explain to me how you sold one customer $132,600 worth of merchandise?"
"Sure," said the salesman, " At first I sold him a small fish hook, but then I sold him a medium one. After a minute, he decided to go with a large one. Then, we got him a nice rod 'n' reel for the fish hooks, and of course he needed a new Bass boat to go with his previous purchases. Well, he then needed a good boat trailer to put the boat on, and after that we went to the automotive department and set him up with a new Expedition to haul his new equipment to the water."
The sales manager was incredulous. "You mean to tell me a customer came here for a small fishook, and you ended up selling him bigger hooks, a rod 'n' reel, a new boat and trailer, and an Expedition?"
"No", the salesman said," He came in for some Tampons, and I said, 'As long as your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "

[NDsuperduty]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Not bad for a clean joke.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Well, since most of my huge joke collection requires an R (or higher) rating, I have to stoop to the depths of humor for this site.
As proof, I offer this...very punny stuff.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.                    
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
"I see", said the blind man to his deaf dog as he pissed into the wind, "it's all coming back to me now".

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What animal falls from the sky?
*Rein deer

Why did they have to tear down the Warsaw soccer stadium?
*Wherever you sat, you had a pole in front of you...

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'.

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

wow 8O

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

To continue...

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I get my large circumference from too much pi.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar.

"Boy, this is just in time...I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink.

"Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender.

"But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string.

With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street.

One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes.

"Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door.

Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and fray out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So, he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?"

To which the string answered "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Scary thing is I know half of them

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Not so scary...most of those are puns Moses told the Hebrews on the way out of Egypt to pass the time.
However...

Little Robspierre Boudelais came running up one day at the local lumberyard, in the town near the highway 'cross the swamp.
He found the yard foreman, and tol' him his Pawpaw needed some four by twos.
Well, this yard foreman, he say to the Robspierre, "Well, now, how long your Pawpaw need these four by twos?"
Little Robspierre looks a little unsure for a minute, then says he be back right quick.
'Bout one hour after, he come running back to the lumber yard, and he tell the yard foreman," My Pawpaw, he say, he build him a new house!"
"He say, he gonna need dem four by twos a long, long time!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

In the spirit of the Holiday season...

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8 ) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Somebody has waaayyyyyyyy  too much time :crazy:  

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Not me, child.
I didn't wite any of that, I happen to have hundreds of jokes saved on my pc, from another site I was active on; most of my collection is not suitable for the HFB.
But some is...any sensitive blonds out there? I love my Blond Joke collection, not too PC but really funny.

Our favorite Blond...

A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

The other kind of Friar story...


The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

[MateFrio]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Early one morning two men go out ice fishing on a  frozen lake.  They have all the fancy gear, heated hut, three boxes of tackle, motorized ice drill etc but alas, late in the morning they hadn't caught a single fish.

Going out for a break the two men watch a kid scrape away the ice from a hole abandoned by another fisher.  He brings out a simple twig and line bates a hook and drops it in.  To the amazement of the fishermen he pulls out a keeper.  Before they could be skeptical the kid had reached his limit of large fish.  The two men run up to the boy.

"Son, what's your secret?" asks one of the men.

"hrum wrrrrrnm wenvev krm ourggh wwrmums wwhum"

"Son, tell us and we'll give you one of our fancy rods but we can't understand you" said the other.

The kid gets motivated and spits franticly into his gloves "you need to keep your worms warm sir"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

That one is a keeper, MateFrio.

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

New Proverbs


If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY

 1.)  Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
 2.)  Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
 3.)  "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
 4.)  Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
 5.)  Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
 6.)  Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
 7.)  Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
 8.)  Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
 9.)  Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.)  Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
11.)  What's this doing here?
12.)  I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.)  That's cool!  Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
14.)  I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.)  Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.)  Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.)  Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.)  Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.)  Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.)  Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.)  Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.)  What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
24.)  She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
25.)  FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
26.)  "Pssst!  Com'on and watch.  Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!"
27.)  "And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient..."
28.)  "Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what to the patient????"