A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Card Name

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg,
Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

The Rancher's Widow...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other
a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so,
slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off
my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with
trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now" she said,
"take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and
off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story?
WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the river, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Two muffins were cooking in an oven. One of the muffins looks at the other and says, "JESUS! it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Cow! A talking muffin!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his rooftop, so he goes to the yellow pages and looks for a gorilla removal service. There is only one gorilla removal service in the entire book so he calls the service with details of his whereabouts and the guy on the other end says he will be there in about 15 minutes.

15 minutes later the man steps outside of his house and sees a guy in front of a van with a ladder, a baseball bat, a cage, a pitbull and a 12-gauge shotgun. Quizzically, the man approaches the hunter and asks what he plans to do with all of the equipment.

"well" replys the hunter, "i'm going to use this ladder to climb onto the rooftop with this here baseball bat and i'm going to hit the gorilla with it until he falls from the rooftop. When he falls my pitbull here is specially trained to bite the gorilla in the testicles which should keep the gorilla in enough pain so that i can climb down, grab the cage and get the gorilla inside of it"

The man is impressed with the plan but asks "what's the shotgun for?" to which the hunter replies "if the gorilla knocks me off the roof shoot the dog!!!"

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his rooftop, so he goes to the yellow pages and looks for a gorilla removal service. There is only one gorilla removal service in the entire book so he calls the service with details of his whereabouts and the guy on the other end says he will be there in about 15 minutes.

15 minutes later the man steps outside of his house and sees a guy in front of a van with a ladder, a baseball bat, a cage, a pitbull and a 12-gauge shotgun. Quizzically, the man approaches the hunter and asks what he plans to do with all of the equipment.

"well" replys the hunter, "i'm going to use this ladder to climb onto the rooftop with this here baseball bat and i'm going to hit the gorilla with it until he falls from the rooftop. When he falls my pitbull here is specially trained to bite the gorilla in the testicles which should keep the gorilla in enough pain so that i can climb down, grab the cage and get the gorilla inside of it"

The man is impressed with the plan but asks "what's the shotgun for?" to which the hunter replies "if the gorilla knocks me off the roof shoot the dog!!!"

[eklikewhoa]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[wvgdiscus]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Things to ponder

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'

The Snail was OK with this, so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'

boy, I feel blond to took me a full six hours to get that joke.  :doh:

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Hmmmm... I AM blonde, and I got it right away... LOL!

Rebekah

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Area 51

Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out
of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check
on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded
the plane -- only this time there were two people in the
plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"

[geoff_tropheus]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Why don't sharks eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

[dblondfemme]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

There happened to be two friends who were thick as thieves.  One was a carrot and the other happened to be a cabbage...strange combination of course.  Well, they were in a horrible accident and ended up in the emergency room.  The carrot was okay... he had a few minor scrapes ...but the cabbage was terribly injured.  The doctor came out and addressed the carrot.  "Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that cabbage is still alive.  The bad news is....he will always be a vegetable."

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

There happened to be two friends who were thick as thieves.  One was a carrot and the other happened to be a cabbage...strange combination of course.  Well, they were in a horrible accident and ended up in the emergency room.  The carrot was okay... he had a few minor scrapes ...but the cabbage was terribly injured.  The doctor came out and addressed the carrot.  "Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that cabbage is still alive.  The bad news is....he will always be a vegetable."

:bsjoke: << so everyone knows it was supposed to be funny.


:P