A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

What PMS Really Means

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. ProvideMe withSweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

The Bagel Shop


So there was a blonde who got a job at the new bagel shop on the corner. It was her first day running the register by herself. A customer walks in and asks, "My dear, how much are these bagels." The blonde looked at the woman and said "Gee, I don't know." After the customer left, the manager came out. He happened to overhear what happened. The manager says, "When that question comes up, you're supposed to say '20 cents.' Think you can handle that?" The blonde confidently says yes and we move on. A second customer walks in. He asks, "Are these bagels fresh?" Again, the blonde didn't know and the man left. The manager overheard and explained to her, "When that type of question comes up, you say 'Yes, very fresh.' Got it?" The blonde nodded and the manager left. A third customer comes in. She asks, "Should I buy your bagels now or wait until later." The blonde was stumped yet again and the woman left. The manager comes out and says, "When that type of question comes up, you say 'Now, before somebody else does later.' Okay?" The blonde understood.

Now things get a little interesting.

An armed robber comes into the store. He yells you "I have a gun!!! Everybody get down!!" The robber turned to the blonde and said, "I want you to empty the register. How much money is in it?"

The blonde replies, "20 cents."

The robber, frustrated, says, "Missy are you being fresh with me?"

The blonde replies, "Yes, very fresh."

The robber then asks, "Should I kill you right now or wait until later?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

There was a Texan who was very depressed...Texas was no longer the biggest state in the Union.
So, he got a ticket and flew to Nome, Alaska.
Upon arrival, he found a place to go...the Last Chance Saloon.
He went in and loudly asked, "How do I become an Alaskan?"
Well, the boys had been drinking a while, and wanted to have a little fun.
So, one fellow says " First, you have to down a pint of whiskey in one gulp!"
Another says "Then, you gotta kill a Polar Bear!"
And the next guy says "And then, you gotta dance with an Eskimo!"
"That's for me!" the Texan yelled.
So, he ordered up a pint of whiskey, and downed the fiery liquid in a single gulp.
He staggered out, his eyes a little glazed.
The boys waited for quite a while, and had just about given up on the Texan, when he staggered back in, clothes ripped to shreds and covered in blood.

"Now," he shouted, " where's that Eskimo I'm supposed to shoot? "

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Real websites (real stupid owners who didn't think first)
1. A site called Who Represents where you can find
the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:
- www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers
can exchange advice and views at:

https://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island
at:

https://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:

https://www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, theres the Italian Power Generator
company:

https://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales:

https://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If youre looking for computer software, theres
always:

https://www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their
website is:

https://www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, theres these brainless art designers,
and their whacky website:

https://www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure
website at:

https://www.gotahoe.com

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they
had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy
shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.
You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

[rrocket2002]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

My Dad is a Father
             
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a  man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The  little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a  priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4  boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that  way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat  quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver."
I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver."
I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She also thought the trained Parrot was a chicken. Mama was easily confused.

[Buntbarsch1]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Love those cats !!!




The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat.

'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies . Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces, without spilling a drop, into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said....

'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........



ate the cookies...............



drank the milk..............



sh*t on the paper....................



screwed the other three cats.....................



claimed he injured his back while doing so..................



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for slip of paper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Hit "cancel"
14. Call husband to get correct PIN number
15. Check balance
16. Look for envelope
17. Look in purse for pen
18. Make out deposit slip
19. Endorse checks
20. Make deposit
21. Study instructions
22. Make cash withdrawal
23. Get in car
24. Check makeup
25. Look for keys
26. Start car
27. Check makeup
28. Start pulling away
29. STOP
30. Back up to machine
31. Get out of car
32. Take card and receipt
33. Get back in car
34. Put card in wallet
35. Put receipt in checkbook
36. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
37. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
38. Check makeup
39. Put car in gear, reverse
40. Put car in drive
41. Drive away from machine
42. Travel 3 miles
43. Release parking brake

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

8O

[J-WS6]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[geoff_tropheus]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in

[eklikewhoa]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...