A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

another timeless web oldie...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man named Irving goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
"What's wrong?" Asked the Rabbi
Irving replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Irving pleads, "I'm telling you Rabbi, I'm certain she's poisoning me! What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, "Well, I have spoken to your wife - I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Irving anxiously responds, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Dedicated to mrairportejunke.....


One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was
indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

From "Godfrey Cambridge Toys with the World"...


Tyrone was standin' on a street corner, and just for a whim he looks up, and shouts out "Say, Lord!"
To his surprise, a loud booming voice replys "What is it, my son?"
"Say, Lord, I got some questions!"
"Ask what you will, my son", was the reply.
"Say, Lord...why you make my legs so long?"
The Voice responds,"So when you are chasing your prey over the savanna, you will run far and fast."
Tyron nods his head and says,"Yeah, yeah, that's cool. But, say Lord...why you give me such nappy hair?"
"So when you are moving through thick jungle, undergrowth and thorns will not catch in your hair and slow you," the Voice replied.
Tyron nodded again; "Yeah, yeah,  that's cool. But...say Lord, why you make my skin so dark?"
And the Voice replied,"So when you are passing over the land in the burning sun, your skin will not burn."
And Tyron nodded his head. "That's cool, that's cool. But...Lord, I just gotta know..."
"What is it, my son?"
'Lord...what da h*** am I doin' in Cleveland?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Honk for Jesus!



The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

8O

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear...the Voices????

Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing... About ME!

Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets and Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...

Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry... I'm not Telling You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You...Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

now that was soooooo funny.....lol....

[cantdoitkid]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You...Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

Hey thats so -hey a bug, look everybody a bug!

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

are you trying to tell us something megan?.....hum????....j/k.....merry christmas

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

( I think ADD is a naturally occuring psychosis between the ages of 12 and 19.)




A Blonde went to the doctor's complaining about a big lump on her head. When the doctor asked her what happened, she replied "I was at my computer and I needed fresh air. I leaned forwards towards the Windows and I hit a screen." The doctor muffled a giggle and replied, "Maybe you should get a Macintosh"

The Blonde was fired from her pharmacy job. She couldn't put the bottles into the typewriter.

She had two dogs named Timex and Rolex - they were watch dogs

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good
l looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good
looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can
hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean? $300?"

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in
her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son
with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked,
"Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.