A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

i am suspicious as to where you got those goodies there Geoff...but i bet she's beautiful, sweet, and loves her daddy.... :wink:

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

What do you call a cow that won't give milk? An utter failure! LMAO!!

Rebekah

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

What do you call a cow that won't give milk? An utter failure! LMAO!!

Rebekah

Am I incorrect in assuming you meant to write "udder failure'?

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I am sorry I didn't write down the name of the author of this delightful dissertation...


“And as Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying road-kill-eating tobacco-juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing Communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?

Yes. This is called "diversity," and it is why we are such a great nation - a nation that has given the world both nuclear weapons AND SpongeBob SquarePants.

And so today I am calling upon both sides in the red-blue rift to reach out. Maybe we could have a cultural-exchange program between red and blue states. For example, a delegation from Texas could go to California and show the Californians how to do some traditional Texas thing such as castrate a bull using only your teeth, and then the Californians could show the Texans how to rearrange their football stadiums in accordance with the principles of "feng shui" (for openers, both goalposts should be at the west end of the field). Or maybe New York and Kentucky could have a college-style "mixer," featuring special "crossover" hors d'oeuvres, such as bagels topped with squirrel parts."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?  Ruff!

What do you call an illegally parked frog?  Toad              

What do you call a cow that won't give milk?  A milk dud!

I must pick up the gauntlet...

BOOK TITLES
Tights - How to Embarrass an Idiot by Lucy Lastic

Babysitting by Justin Casey Howls

Christmas Decorations by Miss L. Toe

Discipline in the house by Wilma Child Begood

Arctic Ocean by I. C. Waters

Alone in the Forest by Lucinda Woods

New Year's Resolution by Kenny Keepit

Long Jump by Willie Makeit illustrations by Betty Wont

A Butler's Life by U. Rangmelud

A Cannibal's Diet Sheet by Henrietta Legge

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Yet, she still couldn't reach the step!

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Two Hunters
=========

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:
"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make upand buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest pair. Hey...Men are men!

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

......having the biggest pair doesn't mean she was the right one though......sheeshhhh.....why do we bother?????

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Fast Driver

My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a
state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through
Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear
shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to
the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires
out?"

[geoff_tropheus]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I'd dated the one that bought me gifts, but married the one that went to the stock market.  Then using the joing account, she would be the one with the biggest pair. 8O

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I'd dated the one that bought me gifts, but married the one that went to the stock market.  Then using the joing account, she would be the one with the biggest pair. 8O

There's not a hetero male alive who wouldn't grin at that joke... 8)



A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

So there's three guys standing at the gates of heaven waiting to go in and St Peter comes to them and explains that it's been a particularly busy day and heaven's getting quite full, so only people who died particularly horrible deaths can go in. So, he asks each of the men in turn how they died.

The first man replies "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife is having an affair so today I decided to come home early to catch her in the act. I walked into my 25th floor apartment and discovered my wife was naked, so I knew he was hiding somewhere, but after hunting all around the apartment I couldn't find him. Finally I went to the balcony and saw him hanging to the ledge. I was so angry at this point I began to punch and kick him but he wouldn't fall, so I got a hammer and began hammering at his hands. The man let go and fell the 25 stories to the bottom but landed in a hedge and survived. By this point I was absolutely furious and so ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it onto the man below killing him instantly. By this time though, I was so overcome with stress that I had a heart attack and died on the spot".
"That's pretty bad," said St Peter, "alright, you can go in. And what's your story?" he asked the second man.

"I had a very weird day" said the second man. "I was doing my exercises on the balcony of my 26th storey apartment when I slipped and fell off. Luckily I was able to grab onto the balcony below so I was hanging on for dear life. I thought I was saved when this man burst out onto the baclony but much to my shock he began to punch and kick me. I was very confused but managed to hold on, only for him to start attacking me with a hammer. I couldn't hold on any longer and fell but luckily I was saved by the bushes below. I thought I'd survived the whole ordeal when suddenly a fridge came falling out of the sky and crushed me to death".
"Wow," said St Peter "that's definitely a horrible death, in you go. And finally, what's your story?" he asked the third man.

"Well, there I was," said the third man "... hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."