A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

i thought it was very funny reba....

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Inspired by the previous posts....

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Scroll down...



















Scroll up...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A blond is in the coffee house with headphones on; just standing in line to buy some coffee. Suddenly she gets this strange look on her face and starts beating on her cd player frantically. after about 2 or three minutes of this, the blond falls to the floor and dies right there in line.

Sometime later, the police arrive to investigate the scene. After interviewing several witnesses about what happened, the detective asks for the cd player. He puts the headphones on and hits play, but nothing happens. He believes the batteries are probably dead and asks for replacements.

With a new set of batteries in place, the detective hits play. He then puts the headphones on only to hear, "inhale....exhale....inhale....


I once said to my (blonde) wife. "You're pretty smart for a blonde. You're not as dumb as you look." she replied "I am too.'


The application asked sex;. she answered, once in Minneapolis


The blonde tried to make Kool-Aid....but 8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets!!!


The blonde was fired from her job at the M & Ms factory...she kept throwing away the Ws!


Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.


Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.


Q: Why do Blondes like LSD?
A: Because they can spell it.


Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.


Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?


Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.


(Please send all hate mail  to Philbert@idontcare.net)

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

If we're going to ban all guns then we have to ban all swimming pools.

In a given year there is one drowning of a child for every 11,000 swimming pools in the US. That is 550 children under the age of 10 dead every year. Meanwhile, there is one child killed by a gun for every 1 million guns. In a country with an estimated 200 million guns, this means that roughly 175 children under the age of 10 die every year from guns, while 550 die in swimming pools.*

The likelihood of a death by pool (1 in 11,000) vs. death by gun (1 in 1,000,000+) isn't even close. Your child is 100 times more likely to die in a swimming accident than as a result of gunplay.*

Most Americans, and everybody else, are terrible risk assessors. The basic reality is that the risks that scare people and the risks that kill people are very different.*

You can have my swimming pool when you pry it out of my cold, dead backyard.

*Source: "Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted
by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers...

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room, and she found an S & M bondage magazine under his bed.
Well! This was very upsetting for her, so she hid the magazine until Dad got home that evening, and showed it to him.
He looked at it, then handed it back to her without a word.
"Well", she asked, "what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said "I'm not sure... but I don't think we should spank him."

[geoff_tropheus]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

is that a porn reference?

[Zulaab]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Philbert...  as a former pilot, ohh my lord did I laugh when I read the joke about the Pilot Squawk Sheets I laughed so hard        I got the hiccups.

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the
ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said
Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro
begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with
me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and
they both sang ...

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

is that a porn reference?

Merely skirting the edge of propriety ...believe me, my hand trembles every time I pass over my really funny jokes, 'cause they are sooo not cool for this site!

But...as long as we are mocking ( )non-English speakers:

Jose and Fred were talking after work one day, and the conversation turned to ex-wives.
Fred told his woefull tale, and Jose commented ,"Si, hermano, I miss my last wife mucho."
"What happened?", asked Fred.
Jose replied,"She was keeled by a weasel."
"How did that happen?", Fred asked in disbelief.
Jose replied," She was crossing the railroad tracks, and didn' hear the weasel."

(!Feliz Navidad a Todos!)

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

[imagirlgeek]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive."

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Women are clever and evil. Don't mess with them.... :wink:

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

         

Poor guy...he never had a chance...

Rebekah

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Jokes 4 Men

Q: Why are hangovers better then women?
A: A hangover will go away.

Q: Did you here about the man who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Q: If your wife keeps coming in from the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: You’ve made her chain too long.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come, they’re wet and wild, and when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: Why do they call it P.M.S.???
A: Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Jokes 4 Women
Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a man?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.

Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why are men like spray paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.