A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

No its pretty much even priced, apart from service stations on the motorway. There it might be as high as $9/gallon.

Just to clarify.

$7.50 a US gallon, $8.50 a UK gallon. US GALLON = 3.75 Litres, UK GALLON = 4.25 Litres.

[armthehomeless]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Thanks... I was about to ask about that gallon thing

I was naive and thought a gallon was a gallon - no matter where you are.

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I dont know why Americans use the 3.75 Litres gallon. Maybe cause they arent as strong and cant carry as much :P

Seriously tho, with Big American cars - youd think a US gallon would be 10 litres.

[Zulaab]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Naah an Texan came up with the smaller number.. why because he got tired of selling barrels of oil to the English...  He said well time to make them think... make a new drum fill it up and because the freeways in Texas are 55mph tell them the drums have 55gal of oil in them... when the English got them they took it because they felt that it would have been "unsportsmanlike conduct" if they cheated.  It was only later that the British noticed that they only held 45.8 UK gal and from then on they all said.. we have the UK barrel and you across the ocean have the US Gallon.

This is how I see it and I know I am wrong.

:signduh:  :signduh:  :signduh:  :devil:  :devil:  :devil:

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I didnt understand much of that. I'll just nod and agree, then walk away slowly...

[rrocket2002]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Zulaab]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I didnt understand much of that. I'll just nod and agree, then walk away slowly...

the joke is going to suck even worse if I have to explain it..

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

:think: ......i think .....therefore i am.....

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!


An 80 year old lady was being  interviewed  by the local news station
because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be
marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's,
then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's,
and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she
had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go.'

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French ******* again.'

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I live near a remedial school.
There's a sign on the road outside that says, "SLOW CHILDREN".
That can't be good for their self-esteem...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market and I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on.
I said "Oh! I see you won your appeal"!!!!

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

[fishlady]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

a little old woman who owned a a little bird took it to the vet afraid that it was dead
vet said," well i believe your poor bird is gone dear"
the lady says, "are you sure?"
the vet says,"well there is a test i can do to make sure"
the lady says, "oh please do it and tell me if he's dead for sure"
the vet brings in a box, takes the lid off the box and a cat comes out, he walks around the bird and goes back in the box
the vet says, "yes he's dead i'm sorry to say"
the little lady says, "thank you for your time, how much do i owe you?"
the vet says, "$475.00
the little lady was shocked!, "why so much, just to confirm my bird is dead?"
the vet says, "that's $75.00 for office visit, and $400. 00 for the cat scan.....