A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man walks into a Fresh Fish Shop with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger
"Oh good," says the man," its his birthday!!"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man goes up to the booking office window and says

"A Decond Class redurn to Dashville please."

The clerk replies "Sorry could you repeat that?"

The bloke says "A DECOND CLASS REDURN TO DASHVILLE PLEASE"

The clerk says "Have you tried Nasinex nasal spray, sir?"

The bloke says "Why, do dey cure Cerebal Palsy"?

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”
The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.
“Darn it,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

[Brownsnoutuk]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your ancient family histories make you above the rest of us. Look at me... I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

[loopy119]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

    ...gay rooster...priceless!

Rebekah

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from England."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[Delock]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little s.o.b.! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

ROFLMAO

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it.
Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his Grandma, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh...OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily:
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds!

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He jumped up, turned blue, and fell over."

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the alter, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A woman walks into a chemist and asks the man behind the counter if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She replies, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here
until someone does?"

[Philbert]

Re: A joke without porn, profanity, or pain...

A man rushes into a pub and orders a double-brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: "Do penguins grow this tall?"

"Sure..." The barman replies.

The man raises his hand up to his hip: "How about this tall?"

"Well, maybe a king penguin, but I'm not sure..."

The man hold his hand at shoulder level: "This tall?"

"Not a chance."

The man knocks back his drink and says: "Then I just ran over a nun."