Waiting for a relative to die..

[ScorpiosWife]

We've all been there. Someone in your family is terminal & you're just waiting for that phone call. I've been in this seat since July & just needed to get it off my chest where my mother can't see it. She's helping take care of the one dying, her sister. She's writing her sister's obituary while she's in the same house with her, in the other room, dying.

It seems morbid to say outloud, but I wish she would just go. She's my aunt & I love her dearly, but this suffering has gone on for years now & it's not going to get better. It hurts my heart, as I'm sure it does everyone's, that this vibrant, motormouth, funny, caring lady is just lying there at home in a hospital bed, lifeless.

My 86 year old grandmother has already buried her only son, who drank himself to death at 47 & now she's preparing to bury her middle daughter. My 90 year old grandfather isn't in very good shape at all & doesn't really understand what's going on due to his massive strokes. They're all afraid that when she goes, he will follow close behind. My little cousin, a preacher, is helping care for his mother as well & he's HIV positive. He, my mother & grandmother watch her in shifts. She has to have 24 hour care. Hospice comes weekly, but they can't do much for her.

They didn't think she'd make it through last night but she did. She can't speak, eat normally or through her tube, she's almost completely paralyzed, she hasn't woken up for almost 3 days now & she only weighs 80 pounds. She's suffering, she has no quality of life & we all agree it will be best for her to go quickly. Today they started telling her it was ok for her to go. My heart hurts for my family. They've gone to such lengths to take care of her & not put her in a home.

I have a feeling that sometime this week we will be making a trip to the valley, but I've had the same feeling since July.

I just needed to get this out. Thanks for letting me ramble.

[barrettsline]

Waiting for a relative to die..

I haven't had to deal with this yet, so I'm not sure exactly what your going through. But I do understand the want for someone to just let go so there suffering, of whatever kind, can go away. We're here for ya.

[ScorpiosWife]

When my uncle died, he had been in ICU for 4 months, on death's doorstep, but just kept hanging on. His organs failing slowly, one by one. Every day we wondered if he would make it to the next & waited on the phone call. My grandfather was in the ICU room right next door to him due to having yet another massive stroke when he was told about my uncle being admitted. Grandpa came home after 2 months, uncle didn't. Grandpa had another massive stroke when my uncle died.

Grandpa had 2 massive stokes in a short time & it left him basically childlike. Never depended on anyone to do anything for him. Very proud & independent. Now he can't read, can't write, doesn't know the alphabet, can't even make a sandwich. He's still very mobile at 90 but his mind is mush from the strokes. It's made him angry. He knows what he wants to say but when he tries to talk the wrong words come out. They've explained to him what's going on with my aunt & his response was laughter. We don't think he understands yet & we're not sure when he will. When he does, we don't know what's going to happen.

My aunt, bless her heart, has always been a tiny lady. Most she ever weighed was 90 pounds & that was 6 months pregnant. She had a stroke 3 years ago that left her paralyzed on her right side, including her esophagus. They needed to operate on her but she didn't weigh enough to be put under. At the time, she weighed 68 pounds. Her youngest son, my mother & grandmother have taken care of her ever since. She was on a feeding tube, graduated to pureed food & finally got to take her first real bite of food in June of last year. I was there for that. That's the last time I saw her & I want to remember her that way; happy about a cheese enchillada, refried beans, spanish rice & a real Dr. Pepper. She had another stroke in mid July & was in the hospital until the 19th when hospice brought her home & said there was nothing left to do for her but make her comfortable till she passes.

It just sucks.

[allysangels]

i've been through this 3 times... all i can tell you is that relief will come, for her and for the rest of you. i know how hard it is being stuck, in limbo, just waiting. could there be something she's hanging on for? my grandmother who helped raise me lived 10 houses down on the same side of the street as my parents and i when i was growing up. she died when i was 17, and took a big part of me with her. it wasn't her time, she had a outpatient surgery to clear a blocked artery in her neck, but as she was coming out of surgery her blood pressure skyrocketed and instead of giving her meds thru her IV line, they gave her a pill, which she promptly threw up. so they gave her another pill, and she had a stroke. that night they declared her brain-dead, and over the next 6 days (on life support in the hospital) she had many more small strokes, and i was avoiding going to see her because i didn't want to remember her that way. i was only 17, and i couldn't handle it. finally, after 9 days of this, my then boyfriend (now hubby!) took me to go see her. i cried, i held her hand, i gave her a kiss on the forehead, i told her that i loved her, and that it was okay. as soon as i walked out of the room i lost it and had to be sedated and left that day in a wheelchair. that night we got the call- she had let go and passed on. she waited 9 days to say goodbye to me, her only child's only child. i believe now that people in comas can hear what's going on around them, even if they cannot respond, they can be aware. now i'm crying again, after 13 years, i still miss her. i hope this helped somehow, if nothing else know that we are here for you.

[ScorpiosWife]

Thank you for sharing, Ally. I appreciate you being so open. I don't want to go see her, but I did ask and was told no. Hopefully she isn't waiting on me.

[allysangels]

i just got this tattoo on the 25th of august (my b-day), after wanting it for years. it's a lilly of the valley, her favorite flower, and it says "oma", which is what i always called her. my dad and his parents are from yugoslavia, and it's their word for grandma. this topic always makes me think back on my years as a veterinary tech, and also my time spent as a nurse. (practically the same job, although the veterinary work was much more fun.) i've often wondered why we are able to end the suffering of certain loved ones but not others... it seems cruel to me to let human family members suffer while we are able to assess quality of life and let our furry family members rest when it's their time.

[ScorpiosWife]

She went peacefully yesterday morning, at home, around 6:30 a.m. A family friend was holding her hand when she went. We are leaving tomorrow to go to her memorial service on Saturday. She would have been 65 on the 18th. Thank you all for reading my ramble. Just needed to get it out.

[allysangels]

I only hope I go that well. I'm glad you can all find peace now.