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Just a funny. Long, but the mental pictures are awesome!

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  • Just a funny. Long, but the mental pictures are awesome!

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

    4 - My left eye will not open.

    5 - My right eye will not close.

    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
    180g - 2 Red Oscars, 1 Tiger Oscar, 1 JD, Convicts, convicts & more convicts
    75g - 1 Silver Aro, 1 Mean Koi Angel
    50g - Various platy & mollies
    10g - 1 Green Spotted Puffer

  • #2
    Wow...lol...

    Comment


    • #3
      Omg...... Laughed so hard I cried!
      Go to Heaven for the climate Hell for the company.

      125g SA/CA
      125g Red Jewels, and mbuna
      90g Hex Angels, Tetras, and Cories
      55g Low Tech Planted. Guppies, Neon Tetras, Red Cherry Shrimp
      55g peacock pair
      45g Fry tank
      12g Hospital Tank
      75g Coming soon....Geos?

      Comment


      • #4
        Stealing this!
        Go to Heaven for the climate Hell for the company.

        125g SA/CA
        125g Red Jewels, and mbuna
        90g Hex Angels, Tetras, and Cories
        55g Low Tech Planted. Guppies, Neon Tetras, Red Cherry Shrimp
        55g peacock pair
        45g Fry tank
        12g Hospital Tank
        75g Coming soon....Geos?

        Comment


        • #5
          It's long, but it's a fun read. By the time you finish you don't care that it took you 3-4 minutes to read it, give or take between wiping your eyes, lol. The mental pictures you get along the way are fantastic, lol.
          180g - 2 Red Oscars, 1 Tiger Oscar, 1 JD, Convicts, convicts & more convicts
          75g - 1 Silver Aro, 1 Mean Koi Angel
          50g - Various platy & mollies
          10g - 1 Green Spotted Puffer

          Comment


          • #6
            I grew up on a farm with a few electric fences...... I've had some bad experiences. I would ask my dad (who wasn't fazed by the current) Is that fence hot? He would grab it and say no, your good. So I grab it, and get hammered! He always thought this was hilarious! God I miss him!
            Go to Heaven for the climate Hell for the company.

            125g SA/CA
            125g Red Jewels, and mbuna
            90g Hex Angels, Tetras, and Cories
            55g Low Tech Planted. Guppies, Neon Tetras, Red Cherry Shrimp
            55g peacock pair
            45g Fry tank
            12g Hospital Tank
            75g Coming soon....Geos?

            Comment


            • #7
              LOL, I can only imagine!
              180g - 2 Red Oscars, 1 Tiger Oscar, 1 JD, Convicts, convicts & more convicts
              75g - 1 Silver Aro, 1 Mean Koi Angel
              50g - Various platy & mollies
              10g - 1 Green Spotted Puffer

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Airjammer View Post
                I grew up on a farm with a few electric fences...... I've had some bad experiences. I would ask my dad (who wasn't fazed by the current) Is that fence hot? He would grab it and say no, your good. So I grab it, and get hammered! He always thought this was hilarious! God I miss him!
                Cody, that explains a lot about why you behave the way you do in that special, slobbering, dribbling way...
                http://www.facebook.com/DAScolorado

                Comment


                • #9
                  WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! i pictured every second of the read

                  Comment

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